My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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