I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
