The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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