don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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