she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
