I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
