I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
