I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
