My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
