maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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