My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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