Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize