At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
