Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
