So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
