She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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