do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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