the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
