Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
