I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my shit smells like andre
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
