I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
