My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
