Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
