my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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