New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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