don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
bring money and cleavage
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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