the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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