I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
