Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize