Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
