I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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