Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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