Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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