a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
