Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
