I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
