Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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