ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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