What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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