I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
