According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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