I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
