Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
