woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
