i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
