did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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