Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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