Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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