Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
