1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
