The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
