Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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