I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
