Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
